Deviation Actions
Literature Text
The dreams float away from me like dandelion wisps.
I reach up for them, fruitlessly grasping at the crisp air
Only to be met with an empty clutch.
And I stare at the barren field of innocence
Wondering why
After so many years
That I am just now coming home.
“Am I alone?”
I whisper,
Met with a haunting resonance that settles
In between the sheets of my life.
“You are lost,”
He says.
And I try to speak
But there is nothing to say
That can measure my grief
Without sounding hollow like a lonesome tree.
So I lie inside the barren field
And let the earth wrap its lifeless grasp
Around my body.
For it has died
And so have I.
Constructive criticism is always welcome!
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
Firstly, thank you for your patience with us. I know this piece has been in the folder for a number of years now and your style might have changed/evolved.
Now, the crit:
ST = Stanza L = Line
I like the antithesis (I think that's the word) between the title and the general melancholy feel of the poem. It creates a nice mixture of emotions and keeps one interested.
ST 1
- I love your opening line. A nice hooky one.
- L3, loving the use of the word 'clutch' here. It's not what one would expect, but it makes so much sense. The only thing I dislike about this line is the word 'met'. It just doesn't sit right with me for some reason. Maybe it's the tense? Consider:
Only to meet an empty clutch
ST 2
- L4, the word 'that' is very jarring and doesn't sit nicely. Consider removing it.
ST 3
- L2, the comma should be something else. Maybe a period, or a semi colon.
- L3, this seems as if it's missing 'I'm' as in 'I'm met...'
ST 4
- L6, lonesome doesn't really fit. Consider:
without sounding like a hollow tree
ST 5
- L1, you don't really lie 'inside' the field. You would lie 'in' the field, but not 'inside'.
- L2, if the grasp is 'lifeless' it cannot be wrapped around, as this signifies life. Consider another word instead of 'lifeless'.
- L4, ST 6 L1, lovely enjambment here.
Overall:
A nice piece with a good, strong message. Could do with some polishing.
Hope this helps,
Jo